Dont be afraid of what you can become

Many days of wondering how I am, it hit me hard. I am me, we are the people we are today through our environment. Some are better listeners, maybe their parents were great listeners and that's how they developed that skill. Everyone must believe in themselves and the person they are good and bad. The people around us everyday know us best. So when a topic is on our minds that is conflicting us they will be the first to be concerned. After talking through the issue on your mind you may start to feel more relaxed, you might ease up on yourself but best of all you know in your mind someone cares enough to come to you asking what is on your mind. This simple gesture of kindness can spark all kinds of confidence in you.

So those of us with self doubt and resentment of ourselves may think we can not change and that we are who we are and our life is destined to hurt the ones around us. We must not focus on these negatives. We cant sit by on the sidelines while our negative side takes over and runs us out of our minds. Negative minds can quickly make you think that you are the worst person in the world. So this is where I want to remind you that you are not. So what to do if your negative side takes over? Run, Just kidding. No you have to take some time to yourself to think about why you are feeling negative, who is it hurting around me, and how is it effecting my everyday life. Answer those three questions and I am sure that you will be well on your way to healing yourself. Just keep fighting those negative demons and putting your mindset into a powerful positive one and who knows what you can accomplish.

A favorite quote of mine is "80 percent of the game is half mental", yes i know it is a yogism but it really serves a purpose here. It tells us that life like sports in yogi berra's case is all about attitude. So how do you wish to approach life? I personally over the past 3 months have approached it in a negative light. So I with the help of the people close to me including my beautiful girlfriend have figured that if i can just start to approach life differently than other people around me will approach how they talk to me as well which then will heal two people rather than one. This positive attitude can also help with other areas as well life full filling a goal you wanted to accomplish because you had the mentality that I can climb this mountain, and sometimes it is as easy as saying that to yourself. So just stand up and tell yourself that you can do this you are fully capable and that the people around you believe in you too. Just make sure that you know what the negative mindsets are in your life and know what causes them to take over and have a plan to know how to fight them back. Just remember to think positively and tell her I love her everyday.

Communication Breakdown...its always the same

If you are rock n roll savvy you will know where this post title comes from. If not then I suggest you do some research. Last night I talked about the traits of a good listener and tonight the topic is on a similar level, communication. All of us communicate a little differently, whether it be the style we communicate in or just the way we approach a conversation with another person. The problem is that communication can sometimes be hard and it may be hard to get on the same page with the other person you are talking to. We all do it from time to time, we misrepresent our thoughts and the person we are talking to gets confused and falls off the same page as you and sometimes even the same book!! So why does this happen? Do we ourselves not know how to express ourselves? Do we just think the other person knows more back ground knowledge than we give them credit for? These are two reasons why communication might fall apart but I think over the long run the biggest problem for two people talking and especially in a relationship is honesty. When you are honest consistently throughout a relationship you thought process stays the same and allows yourself to stay on your own page. Your partner may disagree and stay on there own page but at least the conversation was healthy and you both now know what page the other is on. See another trick to having a good conversation is not always being on the same page but knowing where the other person is in the book. This way when you return to a conversation in the future your partner knows where you stand and you know where your partner stands. One of you might progress and move off of one page and on to another but your partner can see from you came and where you went, allowing transparency. Communication breaks down the most when opinions are changed and though processes disrupted. So what is the real trick to having a healthy meaningful conversation? Think of your thoughts and opinions as pages in a book. To allow your partner to know you they must have to read your book, and the only way your partner will truly be able to study the book is if you stop rewriting in a way that you are constantly changing pages and chapters. Stay honest and consistent but also learn to grow and tell your partner when you have added or taken out pages of your book. If you allow the partner to know what changes you have made they will better be able to understand you and be able to have better communication with you knowing the new information they have received. So keep writing and adding to that book just make sure you let the reader know when you have edited or added something and remember I miss her everyday

Love,
You know who

Listen Up!!!!

I would say listening is an art, a skill that is crafted and honed over many years. Some of us develop this skill at a young age which allows our friends and family to talk non stop to us about their problems because they know that we will listen and take in what they are saying. We will make them feel that we are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Too bad I don't fit in the "we" and "us" category. I am not a listener, I'd like to think that at one point in my life I was a listener and that people would trust me with their feelings but i think i am making that up. So what makes a good listener? Is it someone that just nods their head as you talk making you think that they care? Is it noticing a similar event in your own life and telling the person that experience thinking your situations relate? Well if you were me you would think both of those things make you a good listener. The problem is that those two things make you look like an idiot, reason being is that those two things make you look like a fake listener. Someone who is very good at pretending and tricking the other person into thinking they care. So if you have a person in your life that can pick up on a fake listener you are in serious trouble. So lets start with what makes a good real listener. A real listener is someone that doesn't nod their head in agreement and doesn't try to relate at the first sign of compatibility. A real listener takes in processes the words of the other person and then reacts in a timely manner. To begin to listen to another person you first have to process what they are saying and go through the emotions they are feeling. For example if a person you are talking to is feeling down about a test score they received, don't say "yeah I have gotten a lot of bad test scores as well, don't worry it will turn out fine". By saying this it indicates that I am nodding my head in agreement (even if I am not physically doing it), and trying to relate to the person who is confiding in me. The proper thing to do is to process what she/he is saying and think about what emotions could be going through their head. So if someone got a bad test score they are probably upset with themselves about not studying enough or they might feeling like they shouldn't be taking the class because they are not smart enough. You know as their friend that they are smart enough, but that's the easy part. The tricky part is finding a way to express how you feel without sounding like you don't care. First if it is a female such as girlfriend or male such as a boyfriend in this case react with physically contact such as a hug or kiss. This immediately shows them that you are there and that you care for them. Next ask them to talk about what they think went wrong. Sometimes having the partner talk about what happened can help them cope with the issue they are having.  By doing this it also allows you to gain valuable insight into what emotional state they are in. So after gaining a knowledge into their emotional state is now time to talk about the emotions and steer away from the problem itself. So in the example of the test avoid the conversation about the test yourself, your partner should be the one who is talking about the actual problem not you. Focus on what they are feeling and offer not help but support, say next time you have a big test lets go to the library together and I can be there with you to help you study or just sit next to you to help keep you on track. Remember a good listener focuses on the emotions and not the problem. Think of the problem as the match that lights the fire and your job is to focus on the fire and not the match. When the emotions gets resolved so to can the problem. This is certainly a long big topic and I have just scratched the surface so I will be back with more and remember I miss her everyday.

Love,
You know who

Dr. Joel Wade

After starting my new self-improvement book I decided to roam the youtube videos to see what lectures there were. To my surprise there were quite a few. After looking through them and gaining little in each one I began to think I had wasted my time. That was until I stumbled upon a lecture by Joel Wade the author of many self-improvement books. Dr. Wade talked about self-help and self-improvement from a different angle some in his field would even say it was challenging the norm. You follow the link and listen to decide for yourself. But what I did pull away from the lecture is the notion that it is better to not vision your finish line and when you have reached your goal. Instead think about the process for working on your goal. For example instead of saying to yourself, alright I need to remember to call my girlfriend when I get out of work and I will feel so much better when I have done it because I will have remembered, you should envision yourself picking up the phone and making the call. Think about what you'll talk about and how you will set the tone. This helps avoid stress and also promotes a growth temperment instead of a staggered or rigged temperment (which he also talks about). The process of getting your mind to think and practice this way allows you to focus on the process or steps and puts yourself in a growth mentality which is a healthy way to improve yourself. Dr. Wade also talks about treating self-improvement like a muscle to where you make small steps but you exercise everyday. The biggest key to all of this is to push yourself toward a growth temperment but not all at once, you must acheive this by doing small steps. Follow the link below to the video and remember I miss her everyday!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtxS6r-nfy4

Love,

You know who

I miss her so much!!

I miss her so much!!

Not talking to the one I love everyday has been very difficult. I have to understand that when I did talk to her over the last couple weeks it has made her very upset and the reason has been me. So why am I writing this blog? I am writing to keep track of my progress as I strive to understand myself and improve myself for her benefit and also the benefit of others.  So what do I have to improve? Well just about everything, but if I had to pick a couple that I really want to do is improve my anger and my attitude. I think that these outbreaks of anger have come from my frustration with not knowing myself. I think it is embarsing that my girlfriend can predict everything I am going to do before I do it and be right on everyone. Im not embarsed that she knows me well. I am embarsed that I am predictable. I was thinking about this the past two days to understand why I have become predictable. The reason I could come up with is because I am afraid of what people think of me. I have never wanted to have the spotlight put on me. I have become the last person that wants attention. This could lead to a pretty boring life. If you never want the spotlight put on you you aren't going to put in the effort to make yourself special because you want to stay out of the life. So what do you do? First you stay humble, and dont let that ego need its separte bed to sleep in. But you have to identify when a special situation is coming up and say to yourself you know this is an opportunity to do something special and its ok if the light finds you. The other thing about gaining spotlight is thinking what other people are thinking about you. Are they jealous are they mad are they talking crap about you? This issue has always weighed heavy on my mind. I have always been weary about what people are thinking about me and it has the worst effect on me. The thing I have been reading in self help articles and books is that if the spotlight is on you and the people that you are close with arent happy for you having the spotlight on you than you shouldnt have them in your life. Friends and family are there because they care about you and want you to be happy and support any decision you make.  If you have any doubts tthat the people in your life wont support your decision then you shouldnt have them in it. This is what I have to say so far but there will be plenty more to come. I miss you and will continue to strive to be better.

Love,
You know who.