I miss her so much!!

I miss her so much!!

Not talking to the one I love everyday has been very difficult. I have to understand that when I did talk to her over the last couple weeks it has made her very upset and the reason has been me. So why am I writing this blog? I am writing to keep track of my progress as I strive to understand myself and improve myself for her benefit and also the benefit of others.  So what do I have to improve? Well just about everything, but if I had to pick a couple that I really want to do is improve my anger and my attitude. I think that these outbreaks of anger have come from my frustration with not knowing myself. I think it is embarsing that my girlfriend can predict everything I am going to do before I do it and be right on everyone. Im not embarsed that she knows me well. I am embarsed that I am predictable. I was thinking about this the past two days to understand why I have become predictable. The reason I could come up with is because I am afraid of what people think of me. I have never wanted to have the spotlight put on me. I have become the last person that wants attention. This could lead to a pretty boring life. If you never want the spotlight put on you you aren't going to put in the effort to make yourself special because you want to stay out of the life. So what do you do? First you stay humble, and dont let that ego need its separte bed to sleep in. But you have to identify when a special situation is coming up and say to yourself you know this is an opportunity to do something special and its ok if the light finds you. The other thing about gaining spotlight is thinking what other people are thinking about you. Are they jealous are they mad are they talking crap about you? This issue has always weighed heavy on my mind. I have always been weary about what people are thinking about me and it has the worst effect on me. The thing I have been reading in self help articles and books is that if the spotlight is on you and the people that you are close with arent happy for you having the spotlight on you than you shouldnt have them in your life. Friends and family are there because they care about you and want you to be happy and support any decision you make.  If you have any doubts tthat the people in your life wont support your decision then you shouldnt have them in it. This is what I have to say so far but there will be plenty more to come. I miss you and will continue to strive to be better.

Love,
You know who.