Listen Up!!!!

I would say listening is an art, a skill that is crafted and honed over many years. Some of us develop this skill at a young age which allows our friends and family to talk non stop to us about their problems because they know that we will listen and take in what they are saying. We will make them feel that we are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Too bad I don't fit in the "we" and "us" category. I am not a listener, I'd like to think that at one point in my life I was a listener and that people would trust me with their feelings but i think i am making that up. So what makes a good listener? Is it someone that just nods their head as you talk making you think that they care? Is it noticing a similar event in your own life and telling the person that experience thinking your situations relate? Well if you were me you would think both of those things make you a good listener. The problem is that those two things make you look like an idiot, reason being is that those two things make you look like a fake listener. Someone who is very good at pretending and tricking the other person into thinking they care. So if you have a person in your life that can pick up on a fake listener you are in serious trouble. So lets start with what makes a good real listener. A real listener is someone that doesn't nod their head in agreement and doesn't try to relate at the first sign of compatibility. A real listener takes in processes the words of the other person and then reacts in a timely manner. To begin to listen to another person you first have to process what they are saying and go through the emotions they are feeling. For example if a person you are talking to is feeling down about a test score they received, don't say "yeah I have gotten a lot of bad test scores as well, don't worry it will turn out fine". By saying this it indicates that I am nodding my head in agreement (even if I am not physically doing it), and trying to relate to the person who is confiding in me. The proper thing to do is to process what she/he is saying and think about what emotions could be going through their head. So if someone got a bad test score they are probably upset with themselves about not studying enough or they might feeling like they shouldn't be taking the class because they are not smart enough. You know as their friend that they are smart enough, but that's the easy part. The tricky part is finding a way to express how you feel without sounding like you don't care. First if it is a female such as girlfriend or male such as a boyfriend in this case react with physically contact such as a hug or kiss. This immediately shows them that you are there and that you care for them. Next ask them to talk about what they think went wrong. Sometimes having the partner talk about what happened can help them cope with the issue they are having.  By doing this it also allows you to gain valuable insight into what emotional state they are in. So after gaining a knowledge into their emotional state is now time to talk about the emotions and steer away from the problem itself. So in the example of the test avoid the conversation about the test yourself, your partner should be the one who is talking about the actual problem not you. Focus on what they are feeling and offer not help but support, say next time you have a big test lets go to the library together and I can be there with you to help you study or just sit next to you to help keep you on track. Remember a good listener focuses on the emotions and not the problem. Think of the problem as the match that lights the fire and your job is to focus on the fire and not the match. When the emotions gets resolved so to can the problem. This is certainly a long big topic and I have just scratched the surface so I will be back with more and remember I miss her everyday.

Love,
You know who